Why people get defensive when receiving feedback at work — and how to handle it better

## Summary
Advertisement Voices Why people get defensive when receiving feedback at work — and how to handle it better In many workplaces, people avoid giving honest feedback for fear of offending or upsetting others. Click here to return to FAST Tap here to return to FAST FAST It was that time of the month again for my regular check-ins with the team – an opportunity to both listen and offer feedback. "So, Daniel, I wanted to work with you on a couple of areas that were highlighted to me as potential areas of improvement." His lips tightened immediately. The ability to absorb criticism without becoming defensive is one of the most valuable professional skills a person can develop. The ability to absorb criticism without becoming defensive is one of the most valuable professional skills a person can develop.

## Article Content
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Why people get defensive when receiving feedback at work — and how to handle it better
In many workplaces, people avoid giving honest feedback for fear of offending or upsetting others. Without uncomfortable conversations, there may not be real improvement, one business owner says.
Feedback from your manager often feels like a personal attack, triggering defensiveness before the conversation even begins. (Illustration: CNA/Clara Ho)
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Kelvin Kao
Kelvin Kao
21 Mar 2026 09:30PM
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It was that time of the month again for my regular check-ins with the team – an opportunity to both listen and offer feedback.
"So, Daniel, I wanted to work with you on a couple of areas that were highlighted to me as potential areas of improvement."
His lips tightened immediately. He leaned back in his chair and folded his arms, ending the conversation before it had even begun.
"We've recently identified some communication gaps in –"
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I had barely started outlining the actionable steps he could take when I felt the shift in his demeanour and found myself running into a barricade of defensive manoeuvres.
"Oh, did Felicia say this about me? I can explain everything. When I received the brief …"
"Okay, just to be clear, Daniel," I tried to get a word in. "I would simply like to see how we can improve on our –"
"... the brief was really unclear, and I don't think it's fair that I should be blamed for this. Also …"
I hadn't said much at that point, but Daniel was stacking justification upon justification to defend himself. I listened, nodded and tried to seek the right timing to steer the conversation back to the topic of improvement, but I could hardly get a word in.
Needless to say, it was not a very productive feedback session.
WHY CRITICISM FEELS PERSONAL
Nobody likes
receiving negative feedback
. And frankly, it's not that enjoyable giving it either.
Even if we welcome feedback, our first reaction to it is often visceral.
The fight-or-flight response is triggered, and if the latter isn't an option, then it's time to get ready to rumble.
The mind starts racing: "This is not about work. It's because
you don't like me
."
And the words that follow, constructive or otherwise, land like limp arrows at the gate of an impenetrable fortress.
Related:
Annual performance reviews may be on their way out, but feedback is more important than ever
After a promotion, I wanted my colleagues to keep liking me. Earning respect was harder
Feedback can feel personal and that's understandable.
If you have spent hours shaping an idea or writing lines of code, a part of you goes into the work. So when someone says "this isn't working", it rarely lands as a neutral observation.
More often, it sounds like: "You’re not good enough."
Heck, even writing a draft of this column and getting it back from my editors peppered with red-lined edits and entire paragraphs struck out can sting a little.
Oftentimes, the instinct is to go into self-preservation mode, but in the process, we can lose sight of why feedback exists in the first place: to offer a different perspective and to make the work better.
Feedback is a little like an MRI scan. Nobody looks forward to it, but if something is wrong, you would rather know so that you can fix it.
The same logic applies at work. If something is unclear or ineffective, someone has to say it. Without that signal, improvement becomes guesswork.
Good feedback should focus on the output and outcome, not the person doing the work. It should also be specific, giving examples of what the standard should look like. (Photo: Pexels)
GIVING FEEDBACK THAT TRULY LANDS
There is a popular phrase in management circles known as the "sandwich method".
The idea is simple: start with something positive, deliver the critique and end with encouragement.
Feedback lands best when people feel the person giving it is rooting for them.
In Daniel's case, I should not have jumped straight into the critique. Even a minute acknowledging what he had done well could have softened the blow.
Framing feedback around someone's strengths makes the message easier to accept. After all, cough syrups are sweetened for a reason: they're easier to swallow.
Good feedback should also be specific.
Instead of saying "this isn’t good", take the time to explain why.

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## Expert Analysis

### Merits
- Without uncomfortable conversations, there may not be real improvement, one business owner says.
- Click here to return to FAST Tap here to return to FAST FAST It was that time of the month again for my regular check-ins with the team – an opportunity to both listen and offer feedback. "So, Daniel, I wanted to work with you on a couple of areas that were highlighted to me as potential areas of improvement." His lips tightened immediately.
- I listened, nodded and tried to seek the right timing to steer the conversation back to the topic of improvement, but I could hardly get a word in.
- Related: Annual performance reviews may be on their way out, but feedback is more important than ever After a promotion, I wanted my colleagues to keep liking me.

### Areas for Consideration
- He leaned back in his chair and folded his arms, ending the conversation before it had even begun. "We've recently identified some communication gaps in –" CNA Games Guess Word Crack the word, one row at a time Buzzword Create words using the given letters Mini Sudoku Tiny puzzle, mighty brain teaser Mini Crossword Small grid, big challenge Word Search Spot as many words as you can Show More Show Less I had barely started outlining the actionable steps he could take when I felt the shift in his demeanour and found myself running into a barricade of defensive manoeuvres. "Oh, did Felicia say this about me?
- When I received the brief …" "Okay, just to be clear, Daniel," I tried to get a word in. "I would simply like to see how we can improve on our –" "... the brief was really unclear, and I don't think it's fair that I should be blamed for this.
- WHY CRITICISM FEELS PERSONAL Nobody likes receiving negative feedback .

### Implications
- Without uncomfortable conversations, there may not be real improvement, one business owner says.
- He leaned back in his chair and folded his arms, ending the conversation before it had even begun. "We've recently identified some communication gaps in –" CNA Games Guess Word Crack the word, one row at a time Buzzword Create words using the given letters Mini Sudoku Tiny puzzle, mighty brain teaser Mini Crossword Small grid, big challenge Word Search Spot as many words as you can Show More Show Less I had barely started outlining the actionable steps he could take when I felt the shift in his demeanour and found myself running into a barricade of defensive manoeuvres. "Oh, did Felicia say this about me?
- When I received the brief …" "Okay, just to be clear, Daniel," I tried to get a word in. "I would simply like to see how we can improve on our –" "... the brief was really unclear, and I don't think it's fair that I should be blamed for this.
- I listened, nodded and tried to seek the right timing to steer the conversation back to the topic of improvement, but I could hardly get a word in.

### Expert Commentary
This article covers feedback, better, fast topics. Notable strengths include discussion of feedback. Areas of concern are also raised. Readability: Flesch-Kincaid grade 0.0. Word count: 1432.